2nd September 2007

Hello! Reuben has been upand down recently! He had couple of good days and then a few really bad colicy days! I keep thinking what might make it worse or better but I guess there is nothing different so far! IT feels very draining to watch him in pain and crying....and it feels so good when he smiles when he chatters and makes those lovley eye contacts. He speaks with his eyes and I just melt. I started to feel very tired, exhausted and worry about the next few weeks. I am worried as in 8 days my course is suppose to start....enrolling would mean huge committment...and rings with itself huge fiancial committment too. I worry that Reuben might find it difficult not seeing me for nearly two afternoons but equally I worry that whoever takes him might not do things the way I do them and will confuse him even more. Also I am worried as he is still small...I wish I had more time to decide what I do. I guess my tiredness is taking the better of me as I started having nightmares often wake thinking R has been smuthered or taken away....scary!

I also feel more and more the loss of my family people that I could just pop into for a chat and a cuppa....I guess at home it would be easier as someone would pop in take R for a bit or even just walking him would help. But I decided to be strong try and be glad for what we have here and now. God has given us R as a gift and he is ok the way he is. Things will pass they always do....!

For what is worth I never felt so close to God! I guess when we become weak we are strong in a wierd way (as my friend NOleen told me on Sunday) when we are vulnerable we start needing God more then ever. I do not mean to say God allows us to be weak to need him because I am convinced he wants whats best for us...just as I want whats best for R! If I can be so good to my son, if my heart and soul melts when I see him how much more can God;s heart melt when he sees us when he sees the potential in us!

Ok...before this turns into a NOVEL....he my lovely son is deep asleep...I am hoping for a bath...will keep you up to date ....tomorrow he is 7 weeks old.

Mxx